im goigng crazy

well .. i know i have papers.. and i know i get depressed but .. i think im geting a new kinda feeling .. worknuts .. this is a new disorder mostly found in mailroom employes.. but i think it will be a comon trent in bank tellers soon..i hate stuipd people.. im depressed i cant get a day off im depressed becase i cant spend anytime with my loving wondefull sweet sexy boyfriend becase to let me have a weekend off would be the end of the world .the back couldnt function with out my ass siting on the chair taking peoples depressed becase everybody else gets a weeek off and im fighting for a weekend im depressed they lied to me and deepinside i wish horible things on my manager. im depressed the people at work dont talk to me becase im wiered ..that is there definition of openmineded..everybody hangs out with other people at work and they just call me wiered .. im depressed becase i sound depresed..i miss my step father .. im lonley..and tired of working with people that treatme like a second class person ..but ill smile and keep saying ok becase i dont want to upset anyone .. ill keep telling myself they just suck.. ill keep telling myself that im ok and a good person.. i think im goig nuts

i want my mommy :(
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed

yea im cool

wel it started out like anyother day got up worked around house went to work .. and then i started dreaming of the basketball diyers and smilling ..only i want to kill anything that creaps or crawls. if it can move i wanted to blow its ass or or what ever to nothing .. i work in a bank ... and i hate people ... now what is that normal out come of this killing people ...again i work at a bank.. the customer is right NEVER do that have a depostit slip filled out right no .. they dont evan know what they want half the time you hand then the change and that say "oh im sorry could you change that to $105.99" no dear its a little late now if you had stayed awake in school you would know that 1+1=2 no9t 4 5 0r 6 no that day gets better becase people seam to think (thanks to the wonderful people i work with) that you can cash personal cks money orders payroll cks when these people dont have a penny to the acount ... but the consetmer is alwasy right .. well sorry im not going to do it im not puting my job on the line for them they can like it or lump it it will get to the acount asap .. and if they were taht conserned that would have derect deposit ..i hate people

Dear DAD

Today was a long day, i was thinking about calling you. then i relized you would be at work then i relized you are dead. i would like to know what it is like to die (though im not ready yet nor will i ever be)did you see the light? i wonder if you could hear me and mommy crying or talking to you.. i know your heart rate woudl go up when we were in the room .. I just want somekina sign you knew we were there i guess... fathers day i have to say was the worst I missed you so mcuh.. and i get so angery with you sometimes becase i am mad you are not could you leve us all alone dad we need you ,buster mom and i need you. but you are not hear anymore. it was so hard to see you laying there .not able to move .When i know who you were in realy life.. it hurt me so mcuh for mom to talk to you as if nothing was wrong with you. or when she would say "daddy dont feel good" god dad we knew you were dieing .. i found out the dad i saw you .. but i still wanted you back. i wanted you to wake up and tell us to get the doctor to let you out.. i rember waiting for your eyes to open and for you to say my name .. but you never did .you could only turn your hear to where i was standing talking to you. you would open your good eye and look at me. he was hard to see you liek that. I MISS YOU .. i feel so selfish .. i miss you and i want you back . I said good bye to you at the hospitle .. and i kept hoping you would have a mirical didnt happen .. i plases my faith on the way i realy dont have much these days .. becase what god would take you away from us or let a horse kill you .. the one you had waited on for 9 months just like it was your own child.. i hate it.. after you died i held on to the little things you had small minute. i wish i could have you ...after you died and mom came home i was looking at the things we got you for christmass the things you never got to use me and mom played simpsons trivia .and when we went for the viewing .. they had a bandage over your head.. we put a cap on you your favorite.. i kept your horse charm.. and buster has the ford charms. your biologial daughters showed up for the funarel.. i picked out the coffin i tought you would liek it ... and mom had you put up on the hill where you could watch over us all the time . now sometimes .. im driving and i wonder if it looked the same way when you were hear ...did you know that at the funael i keeps waiting for you to walk in the room at make up smile .. where were you .. i needed to smile.... and where are you now. becase we need you

James David Baumgardener
D.O.B 1/07/1956
D.O.D 5/10/2002
"Daddy Dont feel good"
  • Current Music
    tear drops keep falling on my head


this sucks .. i hate feeling like somehitng is wrong inside.. becase i cant see it to know if im right.. have you ever wanted to be able to take yourself apart and put yourself back together i am at that point.. i want to take it apart look and see if im right and if i am leave it out. but im proble wrong. have to go to work latter today i work with somepeople i cant stand ..religion and stuidity are their downfall..i can handle the religion more than the stupidity.becase religion you can overlook as "they dont know anybetter" but stupidity you have to work at it to get that way ..
  • Current Mood
    sick sick

bought time

hehehe i have been so far out of my mind i didnt find a computer.
or didnt kno what one was .. AHHH lost to reality (spiffy)

WHATS UP! i am as we type up at some ungodly hour we think its called the am hours(not sure noone has got back to me yet onthat)
well my guy is sleeping he is still cute when he sleeps .its otakon time again i think my guy is geting realy exsited i realy cant wait myself i walked with him last night about it .. i kinda got hostile becase i just dont see the point in being a gofer is im not little miss anime. i like it and thats it i would like to go and cosplay(spelling)but well i dont know who to go with if i did go it would bewith a bigrabitt cat guy named victor he is my bud.going to try and get him out to ddr today have to look him up at collage.. yea i spell this bad and im out of preschool . have you ever nodiced (if your female) that most of your realy close friends are gay men. all of mine are faghag i am but they are the most caring people that you can discusse anythiugn with and when i say anything i mean anyhting (wink wink nudg nudg) well im out i think i see someone moving my be the cat but hey i see movement in the am.

again i want to say this is for noone but myself and if it ofends you then dont read it it is that simple. im not going to take the rolly ball out of your mouse or anyhting. oh back to the
  • Current Music
    news? whats this am morrning thing

night out

well it didn't go as planed last night...there was traffic all over the city.but Sean did come hear letter in the night..he is sleeping now ..he is sooo cute when he sleeps .. as we all know I am a morning person..but i cant talk long till i get the thinks you put on you nails ... i got 1 and a half inch nails yesterday,,so i could have cat claws..they are nice and blue to mach my stuff .. Sean likes them i told him he would.. but have to go ........i think we are getting a hotel tonight...hehe ..ill get to do lots of things .. only i still cant be loud.. cuz well I am just kinda loud.. and i don't want other people to hear me meow
  • Current Mood
    horny horny

(no subject)

boy I am pink .. i was wrong he did try to call me ... the phone just dint ring...but i think it was the call Linda picked up and she said they had hung up .. she did say it was like a cell phone that hung up.. i feel better .. but I am kinda mad at myself .. for getting upset ..but i worry about things ...we are going to the harbor tonight .. and he is staying with me for the night ....I am going to jump his bones .. hell I am going to ride him for all he is worth .. i love him sooo much .. and he is soo good to me in everything he dose .. i love him ...and he has a cute butt.. and a wonderfull mind..well there are lots of things about him that so irresistible to me .. he just dosnt evan know them all ..
  • Current Music
    Frente!...Ordinary Angels


why is it that imtrying to get a job and its just not workinf im looking my ass off and of all things ..i cant find one i know i can do the things i aply for .. im a nice person .. i juat have no clue why they dont want me to work for them.. im not a bad person .. i just have no clue what im doing wrong.. im so sad im histerical and the only thing i can do it sit and cry over this cuz its not like im finding anything everyone tells me to be positive .. why im tierd of being positive i cant seam to get ahead for falling behind
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated

hush hush

IM so disappointed .. i know he is away at otkon but he told me he would call. i waited almost all night to hear from him .. cuz he told me he could possibly be tied up till 3 in the morning with worried i dont evan know if he got there ok.... im staying hiome alone this weekend .. im so sad ... and on top of that i took these two guys dave and kevin to there hotel .. i had dave in histerics that he was goign to be late.. with rush hour trafic in baltimore city time is something you had better have ..he kept geting upset when i looked at the map ..i have to say kevin was defending me telling him to calm down.. saying i live hear i know where im goign..THANK YOU KEVIN.. hell i thought it was a differnt hotle i was taking him to.. and then when we get there he was so in a hurry he almost didnt let the car stop to get out . kevin said thanks .. and then dave said thanks .. im very pissed about that..hell i left at 2 15 to get his ass there and then i didnt get home till 6 my car is dieing .. and he is acting like i just ruiend his day.. how asshole can you get.. and then to be out of my car befor i evan get stoped .. the is telling me in my own car to stop .. i was trying to get my butt out of the city road so some one didnt take it off .. but fom now on i know what to do if he asks for a ride ...HELL NO !! I would take Kevin not dave!!!
  • Current Music
    Drowning Pool ,,,,,Bodies